Here's something funny; Last week, I got a big shock at work. Cuts, changes in funding and "restructuring" means that my job doesn't exist anymore. (The government funding body for drug treatment said "We want as many people off drugs, off benefits and into work as quickly and as cheaply as possible". They actually said that. That is their brief as a body. Forget people, forget quality of life, forget caring, forget making sure the women are healed and well equipped and will stay clean for the rest of their lives. Quick fixes. Statistics.) I have no idea what will happen next- they're not gonna get rid of me (that's nice)....I'm either gonna be kinda demoted (more anti-social hours, less input with the women, no emotional supporting, just practical stuff. I'm not really a practical person) or they might decide to invest in me and massively promote me- send me back to uni to become an addictions counsellor or something. The first option would not be great. The second option would be awesome, my ten year future plan (I mean, one of them- I also want to be an MP, a policy adviser on sex work, foster children, travel America, and write a book), condensed in to a few years. The first option is likely. The second option seems unlikely.
And it's funny, because of my last blog post. I'm all like "yes, I don't wanna stand still, I wanna do some new stuff, take some risks". Great attitude, kid. But it's pretty hard when you're in it. Is this God punishing me (surely not, bit too Old Testament style) or taking me seriously? This is a scary place and it's a new place. Loads is at risk for me- I love my job, I love the charity I work for, the pay is ok, i love who I work with...but also stuff about pride- could I take a demotion?
But it has got me to start thinking about a few things- trusting that God has a good plan for me. Trusting that I'd find something else to do. Trusting that it will be okay. But also, thinking about God's way of doing things. I wasn't qualified (really) for this job. I'm not the best choice to invest in (as a trainee counsellor)- I'm young and comparatively inexperienced and soetimes silly. But through history, God has used silly people for great things- lispy people to make speeches, murderers to teach laws about justice, sex workers as saviours of cities and haters to lead a new, loving way of life. And I'm all about taking chances on people, chucking stuff away on people who might not appreciate it and putting my trust in people who lie to me. So, this is not to say that I'll get the promotion because I might not. But this has reminded me how it feels to be offered a chance to grow into something you don't fit yet and I like it. Like Jesus does. Like Sufjan imagines God saying "I've an idea for you, placed in your mind, to be a better man". God buries something in all of us, an idea of being a better man, no matter how unlikely that seems. I'm gonna try to give chances and expect more of people and offer olive branches and honour people that might seem not to deserve it- because, it feels pretty nice when someone takes a chance on you.
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