The other day, I was reading an article in The Guardian about female friendship. The (female) author was talking about how in the media, more and more, friendships between women are being portrayed as more competitive than supportive. It's true- if I see another bloody film or read another article about "frenemies", I'll go mad. Every episode of Gossip Girl is about women trying to undercut other women, double-crossing and bitching and humiliating each other so that they can be the prettiest or richest or smartest or so that they can get the man. There's female celebrities constantly feuding and making snide remarks, there's whole magazines dedicated to ripping other women's "flaws" apart, there's older women presenters being sacked for more "attractive", younger women. And then outside of the media, there's competition over everything from jobs to men. The article reckons that, due to a bunch of factors, women are turning against each other. Because there is still inequality in our society (and if you don't believe me, read my previous posts on feminism, ha!), us girls are frequently pitted against each other. Interestingly, in Cheryl Cole's recent interview with Piers Morgan, he asked her a question about competition between her and Danni Minogue, and said something about how Amanda Holden had been gutted when she heard that Kelly Brook would be on Britain's Got Talent. Cheryl objected to the question, saying that women shouldn't always be pitted against each other- that they're both beautiful, talented women, with different strengths and skills. Cheryl had a point, the male presenters don't get pitted against each other like that. But then again, the men rarely get sacked so a younger, more "attractive" woman can replace them- so you can see why Amanda was worried (step up Danni vs. Sharon Osbourne, Arlene vs. Alesha etc). Because, more often than not, women are competing for roles that are at a premium and the only way they can survive in them is by being ruthless and bringing each other down. And it's not cool.
And it got me thinking about how this works in my life and the women around me. Bikini Kill (my favourite-best-ever girl band (although I still love you, Courtney Love), were part of a political, music movement called "Riot Grrrl" which was all about how hard it is for women in band scenes and how they can only ever be the lead singer and only if they're "hot" and how it's really threatening for girls to even get involved in bands and learning to play because you have to be AMAZING at guitar or whatever for anyone to take you seriously and so, girls don't get to go through that "I'm rubbish but I'm learning and that's okay" thing boys do in teenage bands. (also, they sing some kick-ass songs that are clever and funny and deal with interesting subjects). Bikini Kill have this super cool flyer that says "Encourage in the face of insecurity"- and about how the "J-word", jealousy, is the killer of girl love. This is SO true. Too often, I've felt a bit crap about what I look like or how I am and I've been around someone who I think is really pretty and I'm threatened by the girl so I am bitchy about her, I see her as competition. We've all been a victim of underhanded bitching from girls, if not open meanness- or been aware that we see other girls as a threat or competition. It even happens at Church and that sucks. I don't want to be a part of that.
Once, i was seeing this boy but he broke up with me because he realised he still likes his ex-girl friend. It made me feel pretty bad. I knew I had to see him at a stupid wedding the next week so I bought nice clothes and new, super-expensive make-up (this story is flawed, that was a stupid way to cheer myself up but whatever). Anyway, I got sat next to the ex-girlfriend at the wedding. I didn't even know she'd be there. I didn't even want to look her in the face because I felt so jealous and sad. I'd never met her before but anyway, we started chatting and we got to talking (somehow) about make-up and she said she felt really unattractive that day because she couldn't wear any make-up on her eyes because she was having really bad allergies and she couldn't afford the expensive stuff. In my handbag, I had the expensive, hypo allergic Lancome eyeliner and mascara I'd bought to cheer myself up. I knew I had other make-up at home and I knew that this was a turning point for me. There was a quiet voice in my head telling me to give her the make-up as a gift and I knew it was a stupid, tiny thing to do but it was a turning point for me because it meant letting go of being jealous and hurt and choosing to try to be friends with this girl, even though I wanted to hate her. So, i gave her it and she was really stoked and we made friends and she is a lovely girl. And it felt good to be friends with her, despite the odds and despite the fact that I wanted to tear her down because her being pretty and nice made me feel worse. In the end, I realised that the boy liked her and that didn't mean she was better than me, just that the boy wasn't right for me.
So, I want to carry on trying to give away mascara to people I want to hate. I won't let my insecurities get in the way anymore. I won't allow myself to be in competition with other women- to be the cleverest or prettiest or thinnest. I won't put someone else down because I feel bad. I won't see myself as better or worse than another woman or put myself in a hierarchy or "leagues". I won't submit to all the crap we are unwittingly taught that says women can't be friends with other women. I won't bitch or back stab. I won't subscribe to crap theories about being the "alpha female". And if there's a chance to build up another woman or compliment her or put her forward, I'll do it. I will promote the best there is about being friends with another girl- the kindness and compassion and the understanding. And I will work, with my lovely friends, towards being the best kind of women we can be- those that encourage in the face of insecurity and never allow ourselves to be threatened by another girl or pitted against someone else- for jobs, for boys, for friends or for popularity. And I think that we can do it.
