Let's hear it for the boys....

I was talking to a friend of mine a while ago about her Monday nights. With a few of her female friends from church, every Monday night she goes in to brothels and massage parlours and lap dancing clubs and chats with the girls there, eating with them and praying with them, talking about God with them and trying to meet any needs they have. She was telling me about how she chats to the pimps and the men that frequent the brothels too, telling them about God and trying to chat to them about what's brought them to these places on a Monday night etc. One day, she called me up, super excited because she's had a "breakthrough" with one of the men that work as pimps- he's really opened up to her and talked about his childhood, his experience of rape and being abused, and his problems with eating. She was really able to speak God's love in to his life and hopefully, he's going to come along to church.

This really challenged me. I work with women who are exiting the sex trade and sometimes, it can be hard not to judge the men that keep the sex trade alive. I hear about the punters that beat them up, that make them do things they don't want to, that steal their money and that humiliate them. I also hear about pimps and violent partners and men that treat them badly. But what my friend told me about this guy that she'd prayed with really made me think- she reminded me that these men need love too, that they need God's healing and restoration. She speaks kindly to the men that she sees in the brothels and even the pimps that treat the women badly, she talks to me about how we should have compassion for them, that they have to face up to themselves after they've left, that they must be hurt and messed up to do what they're doing.

Because if, as I wrote in my last blog, large proportions of women have experienced domestic violence, rape and abuse at the hands of a man, it means that there are literally thousands of men in our country who really, really, really need God. Similarly, the Home Office estimates that between 4.3 and 11% of men in Britain use prostitutes. That is huge. In the foreword to the 2008 Home Office report on how to tackle the sex trade, Jaqui Smith (the Home Secretary) wrote Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, "So far, little attention has been focused on the sex buyer, the person responsible for creating the demand for prostitution markets. And it is time for that to change." I agree.

And I'm thinking about how this looks and how it could work. The Church (and many other charities and organisations) are just starting to engage with vulnerable women- those working in the sex trade, those suffering domestic violence and those who have been hurt and abused. But what about the men? What about the men that my friend meets in brothels? What about the men that use violence to coerce, hurt and control women? What about these men? Who will help them break out of their behavioural patterns and show them what redemption looks like in their lives? And how will this work?

I guess part of this is down to youth workers and teachers- helping all young men to grow up to love and respect women, to treat them as their equals and to understand their own impulses to violence and the things inside of them that make them act a certain way. But also, it is down to Christian men to get involved in the parts of society that we don't like to look at- to be positive male role models for a country that obviously has a problem with objectifying women and using them. Because I know so many Christian men that treat women like God does, with respect and love and care and compassion. They don't use women for sex or to make themselves feel better. They act with infinite gentleness and care and this takes strength. And I can't wait to see what happens when these two types of men collide, when people in the community see what it looks like to treat other people like the prized, valuable, costly things that they really are. So, I guess, this is a call to arms. A call for Jesus' disciples to show another way, to break cycles where little boys grow up and beat their girlfriends just like their dad beat their mum, where guys secretly pay women for sex and treat them like they don't matter, where women are scared to go out alone at night and where both sexes aren't living to the fullness of what they were made to be. Because it's not about men and women and gender and statistics, it's about this country being messed up and not knowing how to love anymore. It's about Jesus telling us to put down our stones, stop standing in judgement and getting us out in to a world that desperately needs to see another way of being men and women.

Why I am a feminist and why you should be too.

I am a feminist. There, I said it. The "F" word. And I am sick of having to qualify it by prefacing it with words such as "moderate", "Christian", "modern" etc. And I am more sick of having to defend my self-identification as a feminist to people who either assume that feminists are men-hating, bra-burning, hairy-arm-pitted women who spend their time pursuing some kind of separatist agenda that would ideally keep men only for the purpose of reproduction OR to people (sorry girls, but it's often you guys) who think that feminism is obsolete now that we've got the vote (although Saudi Arabian women are better represented in their Parliament than us British women are), we have equal pay to men (Really? http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/jul/29/gender-pay-divide-women-inequality) and we don't have to stay at home and look after the kiddies (although, in this post-feminist society, women that do choose to look after kids at home/keep house are often denigrated by society- the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world, my friend- it's about choice). Even those who are quite progressive, left-wing types often see feminism as women making a bit of a fuss about not much. Christians too often see feminism as either unneeded, a waste of valuable energy or some kind of inverse snobbery that sees men as less than women.

But here's the thing- feminism has been radically misunderstood- and the chances are, if you're a Christian you are already a feminist or you SHOULD be! Feminism is about ensuring that both men and women live up to be the people they were created to be, that they live equally, unharmed, unhurt and free to exercise their rights in a world that respects them. Some people have dropped the word "feminist" and prefer to use "humanist". I guess that works but I kind of feel like, why subjugate women AGAIN, even if it is only with language and definitions? The Church should be trailblazers here, we should be leading the way, showing the rest of the world what tolerance looks like and what the world could be like if women WERE able to be socially, politically, economically, creatively and philosophically treated equally to men.

Now, a lot of people think that women ARE treated equally to men in all these ways but it's just not true. In the UK, one in four women will be victims of domestic violence in their life time, often more than once, one incident of domestic violence against a female is reported EVERY MINUTE and there are, on average, two women a week killed by a male partner or former partner (check out womensaid.org.uk for statistics and an analysis of how they are collected). As many as one in four women have been raped or suffered an attempted rape and the conviction rates are horrifically low (check out www.rapecrisis.org.uk). There are estimated to be 80,000 people involved in the sex trade in the UK, with the vast majority of these being women. These statistics are just one, tiny slice of gender issues (there's pay, the objectification of women's bodies, everyday discrimination, the sex double standard, health care provision, political representation etc) and this is only about women in the UK (there are thousands of other issues globally- as well as some other countries where women are afforded a fraction of the rights British women are).

These statistics aren't meant to typecast men as ogres or sexual predators or women as victims but they are there to show that there is a problem in this country with the way women are treated. Actions come from mindsets and worldviews and clearly, there is something wrong with the way women are viewed (by men and by women themselves) if this level of violence exists in our country. And when you look at it like this, suddenly, feminism doesn't seem such an outdated word at all. And it seems like our journey as Christians, bringing God's wholeness and happiness to individuals and bringing God's kingdom of liberation, freedom, mercy and love to the world IS feminist and it does have something to do with women and gender. Because this pattern of violence and degradation and power isn't okay and we, men and women, have a duty and a calling to deal with this- not as a niche issue (women's groups and Captivated books and "feminism" as a girls only seminar issue) but as the body of Christ together. So, my lovely Church, let's deal with this together and redefine what a feminist looks like.

Light, more Light.

I've been thinking a lot this week about light; Light and dark, Sunshine, Stars, Light bulbs and fairy lights, Night lights on the stairs, Candles. And I've been thinking about darkness; Night time, winter mornings, shadows and bad things. And Jesus; Light of the World, light in a dark place, "Let there be light", light chasing away dark.

It started because I was listening to Mumford and Sons, a song called "Roll away Your Stone", which I love, and there's a line of it "Darkness is a harsh term, don't you think? Yet it dominates the things I've seen". It made me laugh because describing the world as "dark" is very un- me, It's a bit too Conservative/Evangelical for me- a bit too dramatic, and a bit too old school. But increasingly, I feel more and more aware of how dark the world can be- how twisted and messed up and violent things can be. There's the things I hear about at work- the hidden, everyday, violent stuff that goes on in our cities- the seediness and sadness of sex work, the tragedy of drug addiction and how it steals from people, the everyday terror of domestic violence- all the sad and dirty and scary things that happen where we live, even though we pretend they don't. And then there's the stuff in our lives' and our family's- the secrets that eat away at us and the shame of hiding things from people that we love.It reminds me of the Sufjan Stevens song, "John Wayne Gacey Jnr", about a serial killer, who killed boys and hid them under the floor boards and Sufjan sings "But in my best behaviour, I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid"- we all hide things under the floor boards- sad things and secret things and dark things. And sometimes, it can be overwhelming this darkness, it can seem hopeless and sad and too much.

But it's November and Christmas is coming and the other day, I was walking along the harbour at night after seeing a friend and it had been a hard week and I had spent a long time talking to my friend about all this dark stuff that seemed to be around me and I was walking home, and I saw these workmen (and women) stringing up these Christmas lights from lamp post to lamp post. And suddenly they turned them on and they were beautiful and reflecting all on the water and what had seemed so dark and sad suddenly lit up and took my breath away. And Christmas reminds me of this- it is perfection and beauty and hope bursting in to a dark world like strings and strings of fairy lights turned on. The Light of the World came to bring hope to this dark world and suddenly, it seems like dawn is breaking on what's been a long night.

And the world is dark sometimes- full of secret things and hard things and horrible things and things that are hard to say out loud- but a Light has come and that has changed things. It doesn't mean that we should be naive and say there isn't darkness and it doesn't mean that we should back away from the darkness into the light because we're scared but it does mean that the darkness gets chased away, scattered, pushed back by the hope we have. And I am asking for more light in my life, more hope and more daylight and more dawn and more Christmas lights strung out across my life. And I'm looking forward to seeing how that looks.

Thoughts on Bristol, feeling liked and learning about obedience.

A while ago, I felt like God was telling me to move to Bristol. Now, for me, God's voice doesn't come in thunderstorms and rushing winds and booming tones- it comes in thinking a lot about stuff and sensing something and it tentatively feeling right. So, part of it was living in Bristol last summer and it feeling RIGHT and part of it was wanting to live with Laura (who is kinda the Naomi to my Ruth) because I think she's doing good things and I want to be part of that and part of it was just, well, a sense. And a big part of it was feeling convinced that my purpose in life (for the foreseeable future) was to work with women in the sex industry and I knew that this super awesome charity in Bristol, One25 ltd, was doing that. So I figured I'd move to Bristol and that God would sort some kind of Mcjob for me and then in my spare time I coud volunteer with One25. So, for once in my rebellious little life, I trusted my sense of what God wanted me to do and I moved to Bristol. And it was a hard decision for me to make- I could've stayed with a bunch of people I really love at my Uni church- a place where I feel valued and cared for and where exciting stuff was happening. Or I could have stayed in London, where loads of my friends are and where I'd been offered a job. Or I could have done an M.A in English Lit- satisfying my inner geekdom. But I trusted and I moved.

And in many ways, the risk paid off. I live with three beautiful, kind and lovely girls and we have super fun times together and we do nice things. And I love the area I live in. And I love the church I'm going to. And I've made friends. And Bristol is a brilliant, messy, pretty City and I love it here. And I love the things I'm getting involved in and the life I'm starting to build here. And guess what? The week after I moved here, a job came up at the charity I wanted to work for- One25, as a key worker at their residential safe house. And guess what? I got the job- despite a lack of qualifications,lack of experience and lack of maturity, they took me on. And if that isn't a risk paying off, I don't know what is! God totally provided for me and I am 100%, absolutely sure that I only got this job because God wanted me here.

But here's the thing. It's hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes it's lovely and sometimes it's fun and sometimes I feel like I might be part of changing someone's life. Everyone always says it must be rewarding but the thing is- the GOOD bit is that the women have moved in here and the GOOD bit is that they have their babies and they haven't been taken in to care and the GOOD bit is they're drug free. And those things are really, really good but it doesn't mean my day-to-day job is rewarding. You see, the good thing is they're here but it doesn't mean I see breakthrough every day or even every week. I spend a lot of time feeling too inexperienced, too young, too silly, too naive. And I get hurt very easily and shouted at a lot and I HATE it when people don't like me. And actually, I'm not 100% sure that I'm good at this- I'm getting better but it doesn't feel good and I don't get much job satisfaction and I feel like crying a lot. But I'm 100%, absolutely sure that I'm meant to be here- it's too many coincidences- moving here, the job coming up, me actually getting to job etc- I know that this is what I should be doing.

And I think I'm slowly learning what obedience is like- that the important thing is I'm here. And it sucks to not be good at something. But I was called here and I came. And He didn't ask me to come and be the best at this. He asked me to come here and follow Him. And it bites sometimes, it really does, but I think it feels right and I think that's what obedience is about.

Simple Living and how I bought three dresses in one day.

Okay, so, I have a confession to make...The day my student loan came in I bought three dresses, a pair of sunglasses and I had a pedicure. I was having a hard week and I was feeling a bit emotional and I went for a bit of "me" time...at the shops, which is a crucial mistake. So, I went to Topshop and I picked out two dresses (one flowery 80s body-con and one strapless and red with little pictures of the Eiffel tower on it, in case you're interested) and then I bought some sunglasses (80s ray ban style white ones, with little pink flowers on), and then I had a pedicure (neon pink. Then, I came home and I was bored and I went on eBay and bought a navy sailor mini-dress.
And there are reasons why I went shopping; Lots of my summery clothes don't fit anymore (see last post- he he!), I wanted to treat myself, I was bored, I wanted to feel pretty in new clothes and I was going to a club on the Thursday and I wanted to wear a new dress. But mostly, I don't feel cool unless I have up to date clothes, fashionable clothes, clothes that people comment on. And when I don't feel cool, I feel kind of rubbish about myself and I realise I'm getting who I am, my identity, from places I write against in essays, places I condemn in debates; magazines, models, designers, trendsetters.
Cos here's the thing; I want it both ways- I want to be anti-consumerist, anti-capitalist, living a radical counter-cultural life that puts all my weight behind caring for people that don't have enough, critiquing a society that values looks over people, that casts women as mannequins and is peopled by individuals who are happy to wear clothes made by people who get an unfair wage. BUT, I want to live this life wearing 80s floral body-con dresses from Topshop (hitting 2 trends in one- floral AND body-con!), preferably as a size ten and ideally, whilst hanging out in cool clubs, with interesting and attractive people.
And I'm guessing, at some point here, I'm gonna have to make a choice...or lots of little choices every day. And it scares me to think about who I'd be and who would like me and whether I'd still be me if I didn't spend £5 a week on false eyelashes and feel the need to have a new outfit for every time I go to a club and if I gave up on being "cool" and started trying to care instead. But I have to trust that this is bigger than me, that actually, getting out of the fashion-conscious/want-to-be-cool/image obsessed rat race is actually a BETTER way to live- not just for the kids in sweatshops that labour to make my Primark dresses (and that should be enough of an incentive)but for me too. So, I'm gonna start making those little choices...

The politics of dieting or how i want to be Kate Moss

I have been consciously on a diet since I was about twelve....and so have lots of girls. That's not to say that every day I eat like I'm on a diet, not at all! It just means that every day, somewhere in my consciousness I have assessed what I'm eating and either felt guilty or good about it. And that can ruin a meal! And more than that, it's the self-deprecating comments about being fat, and the jealous criticisms of women that I think are pretty and thinking that my whole life will be better if I'm just a little slimmer...I'm on a diet right now, more consciously than normal, and me and my Uni housemates are keeping each other in check; calculating calories and weight watchers points, getting me up at 6.30am to go to the gym, comforting each other and justfying when someone eats something they "shouldn't". And here's the thing...none of us are overweight.
There's a saying that's come out of the Anglo-American Feminist movement (i guess feminists in some parts of the world don't have the luxury of worrying about weight loss); "Fat is a feminist issue" and it is. It's a Christian issue too, or at least it should be! Because I'm not overweight. I'm not endangering my health by being the weight I'm at. It's not about feeling healthier. It's not a short term detox to kick start my immune sytem, blah blah blah;
This is about aesthetics. This is about being a Size 8 (I don't think that's even possible...my bones alone are bigger than that!), this is about wanting to look like Kate Moss. This is about me buying in to this dominant idea that beauty is size 0, that thin is pretty, that people will find me more attractive if I'm thinner.
I'm a thinking girl, I'm a feminist, I know that this Western image of beauty is a myth. I know all about how lots of models stay thin and I know about air brushing and I know that a boy that doesn't find me attractive because I have meat on my bones isn't the kind of boy I want in my life. And more than this, I know that my Creator made me and that I am beautiful, not "to Him" and no one else, but beautiful. I know that I don't enjoy my life as much as I could because I feel insecure. I know that I'm not accepting the wholeness that God offers me by living like they way I look is imperfect, wrong, not pretty.
And this isn't God's kingdom coming in my life, this isn't wholeness and healthiness, this isn't being in the world but not of it, this is buying in to and being affected by the wrong things about the world. And I want to be different from a culture that makes girls (and boys) feel unattractive and imperfect when they're lovely.
I read an article in Bitch magazine once (an amazing US feminist magazine that engages with culture from a feminist perspective)about Beth Ditto, lead singer of the Gossip, who is definitley bigger than Kate Moss etc. And she spoke about resisting the dominant discourses about beauty, that hold women back and make them feel incomplete. And she talked about accepting the way she looked and better yet, acknowledging that she is beautiful and sexy and hot and attractive. And I thought "Yeah!". I want to, as a Christian, as a feminist, as a girl, resist these magazines and pictures and fashion designers and bitchy comments and criticisms of "fat" women in Heat Magazine and the things other girls say when I walk in to a party and hardest of all, the voice inside me that's internalised all these things. But it's so hard to do that, so hard to ignore these things that are so ingrained in me. But if Beth Ditto can do it, maybe I can too...